i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
