he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
