Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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