I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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