In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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