If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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