I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
