Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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