dude i'm inner monologue high
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
