did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
