I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I did not marry a roomba.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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