You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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