dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
No stitches, just platelets and will power
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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