Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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