I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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