I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
