Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
