I am puke
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
