I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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