Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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