but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
