just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
