Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
