You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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