naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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