not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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