I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My ass is underappreciated
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
