if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
