Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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