Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
