Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
