so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
