when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
