Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
