I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
