my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
