i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
