College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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