At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
