i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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