My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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