Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
