Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(216): View more from Ohio

you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth

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(519): View more from Ontario

No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.

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(561): View more from Florida

I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"

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(716): View more from New York

banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.

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(941): View more from Florida

My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great

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