what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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