we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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