Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
