Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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