Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
