Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Semen is not good for contacts.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
