you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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