Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So apparently I’m into choking now
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